she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
