I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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