so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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