smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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