We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize