I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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