you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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