I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
zippers are such a cool invention
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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