i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
