we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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