SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
