I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
