I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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