It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
She needs sedatives and a leash
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
