We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
