i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize