come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
