Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Randomize
