Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
