Midget sex pt 2 tonight
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
