I need to stop coming to work sober
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
