i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
