Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
