I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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