"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
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