now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
