so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
