HIV tests are more positive than that guy
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
