Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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