my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
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