No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I don't deserve a penis
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
