I could make wine with my vomit
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
