I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
