I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
