you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
apparently the secret to your success is patron
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
