I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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