So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
