Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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