I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
