There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
