i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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