I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
