my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
