My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
