You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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