i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
