i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
