A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Randomize
