Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
