Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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