Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize
